Not sure I was supposed to see this yet. But obviously I have...
Every fiber of my being is being shredded at all this happening. It has been from the moment I told you of my mother's offer...And now. I just feel loss and guilt. I cant bare the idea of leaving you , none the less, leaving you to be here alone....I would give anything in the world to stay here with you..Please dont ever doubt one second that I havent loved every moment of being with you. Through the rough and the great times, I cherished every moment. Even sitting around the house, i didnt care. Cause at least I was here with you.. I was ( am ) happy with you..And you will never know how much I love you.
Failed??? You have never failed Lou. Never one moment...Unfortunately, the world is just working against us. And I will always place a majority of the blame on Dave..but I wont get into that. This is not the time nor place to vent anger on what he has done...Lou, you have given me, hell even paid on my behalf for so much....its not your fault that due to Dave's idiotcy that this has come about...and the thing is.. I never expected when we moved for you to have to pay and take care of me for the rest of the years come. I wanted to be able to do that myself. You have already done more than enough for me. How could I expect or ask you to give more??
You , God Lou..you have given me more than anyone has ever given me in my life. You gave me a place to come to where I could be free of expectations, ,...lets just sum it up, that you gave me the freedome to be me. And you allowed me a place to come to heal and grow from my past that I had ran from when I left OH... You have told me I love you, if you dont remember, its' ok. I never needed to hear the words. You showed me in so many different ways, I knew ( and know ) you love me..
Lou please know that I have never been truly and honestly more happy than I have been during the past three years with you..And now, I have to wonder how I am going to drive away from here when the time comes. I dont know if I can,or how to.. It scares me to death just to leave you and what we have. None the less, the idea of never hearing from you or seeing you again. I know that we can not predict the future, and that I have no right to ask or expect you to never be with another woman. But already that thought brings a sourness to my stomach, and tears at my heart. I wanted to be with you, only you , for many years to come. It is unfair that this has turned out the way it has.
I feel , my Great Daddy, that I am the one who has failed you, ..us. I should have tried harder to get another job. I should have just taken the job offered by Kris, no matter how low the pay..I should have found a way to make sure we could stay together. Im sorry that Im the one who has failed us. You were right the other night. I am a coward and weak. If i was strong, then this wouldnt be taking place....
You have taught me more lessons about the world, life, and who I am , then anyone will ever be able to. I know that you will never leave my heart, nor thoughts once I leave. How could you? You have helped shape me into who I am today...
From our time starting out meeting on the weekends, to our time in Samuel P. Taylor Park, to the time at Bill and Gina's, to the time at Bill's place, to the time we finally were able to have " our own home". and to our past 3 months here in Citrus Heights,.......All those times, and every moment in between will be cherished for the rest of my life. No matter where life leads us...those moments will always me in a special place in my heart and thoughts...
Even our silly songs and comments will stick with me :
San Juuannn Baptista!
" One scorch leads to another, one scorch, baby one scorch"
" You are my great man..yyeeahh my great mannn"
Even " You strangling"...." Whatcha doing Strangling"...." You weirdo "..
I just wish that even now, there was some way to stay.....To spend many more years beside you...It woulda been a very happy life for me...
I can only hope and pray that when I leave, it wont be the complete end. Even if we can only continue in a loving friendship. I can only pray and ask that you will let me call you once every week or once every two weeks...write you letters from time to time...come see you here and there when I can afford to...and I even pray that you will take up my father's invitation to come visit and stay with us should you ever wish or want to....I know we dont know what the future holds, and I am sorry if asking you for these things , is selfish...I just dont want this to be the complete end...Im sorry...Hell , if you would even consider it, I would love to save aside some extra cash to buy you a roundtrip plane ticket to come stay with us a few days during Christmas...I know that is asking a lot. But I want to put it all out there now...before i become to scared to ask any of it from you...Whatever you decide, I will understand and support you in ...
If nothing else..I will never regret being with you , no matter what. Please always know and remember that I love you , and you are the greatest man I have ever had in my life, and I know that I will never find anyone who will come close to being as wonderful, loving and great as you are my dear Lou.
So bye My Great Daddy, Mr.Lou
Love forever and Always,
The Kid ( Danielle )
JoeUser Forums
It's pretty moving to experience as well.