Question for all parents

Can your children talk to you about -anything- without fear?

from JoeUser Forums

I just finished reading a troubling and heart breaking exchange in the Dear Abby column of the day (at least as ran in the Friday, October 27, 2006 edition of The Washington Times).

The column of the day covered one letter, on one issue.  The issue: a parent of an 18 year old daughter who had always been close to the daughter was told by the daughter that a classmate of the daughter was pregnant and feared telling her parents because they might have a violent reaction to the news.  The mother advised the daughter to tell her classmate to fess up and tell the parents and that things would work out ok.  Unfortunately the classmate did tell her parents, and as she had feared, the parents did have a very violent reaction -- the father of the classmate beat the classmate so badly that she ended up in the hospital and lost the baby.  Abortion by parental violence.  Not a happy thought at all.

This raises the question of just how much we feel we can talk to our children about, and if our children could rightfully expect that what they tell us will not be responded to in such a negative way that irrepairable harm would be done to the child.

This story was (as described in the column) heartbreaking.  It is shocking and sick that a parent would do such things to their child.  Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally and unendingly.  It may not always happen, but it should.

I hope that my daughter feels that she can talk to me about anything without fear of repraisal, or at least without fear of a violent episode and reaction.  I may be disappointed in something she would tell me, and I may wish that there were different results,  but I want my child to be able to talk to me about anything.

Do you believe you can talk to your children in that way?  Do you think you can handle any piece of news your child may have for you, and in doing so would you be able to control your emotions and keep from blowing up about something like this?

1,125 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
for the classmate and :tears: for the unborn child that was the ultimate victim in the original story.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
As a parent I would like to think the same as you, that my children can talk to me about everything without fear of my reactions. I know their fear would be my reaction of disappointment in them.

It's terrible that that child's parent reacted that way, causing physical harm. That's a horrible thing to have happened and I hope he did get in trouble for it because no matter what that dad's action is unwarranted.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
I always told my daughter that she could come to me with anything and tell me anything. I like to think that she did, but I suspect she spoke more with her friends than with me. (I am not a very approachable person in person - I am very stand offish and brick walled)

The times that she did tell me things, she always started off "If I tell you something will you get mad and throw a hissy fit?"

I would then reply ( in an irritated almost angry tone) "of course not don't be stupid, just tell me" (very loving and easy going i am hahahah ..not).

She would pause and pause and I would say" don't you bloody do this to me, hint something then not tell me, spit it out, come one!" getting really agitated. She would then spit it out and I would be so casual about what she tells me it always shocked her. Yet every time she wanted to tell me something we went through the same little song and dance.

It is important to tell your children they can come to you with anything. To let them know the door is always open.

The story you have related above is a very sad one. That young girl will be wondering the rest of her days about the child that could have been. Sad, very sad.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

My children are still small, so I don't have to deal with such monumental issues just yet, but I do want them to feel comfortable coming to me with ANY concerns, problems, etc.

I would rather have them confess a hurtful truth than for me to stay in the dark, not knowing what danger or challenge they were facing that I might be able to guide them with.

Heh, and I'm like the LEAST scary parent on the planet.

That's a really sad story, Terp.

 

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think my boys could come to me with their problems but they are still young, 13, 10 and 6. I would be disappointed but I would never be violent.

I hope that dad is in jail now. That is assault.

When my sister got pregnant when she was only 16, she told me before she told my parents. I was already out of the house and on my own. I told her that it wasn't going to be easy but she had to tell them. I am so glad that nothing bad happened. I would have felt partially responsible for giving the advice.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I would like to think both my daughters can STILL tell me anything, knowing I am not going to judge them {ain't my job}
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
How tragic!

I know my kids can talk to us about anything. They know that they might be in trouble for what they've done, but the punishment for the wrongdoing is ALWAYS secondary to helping them with whatever they were uncomfortable with telling us in the first place.

Parents walk a fine line there. We don't want our kids to think they can't talk to us, but we also don't want them to think that we will let things slide just because they are really in trouble.

In either case, I hope these "parents" never have to feel like they have to walk that fine line again... In fact, the ONLY line they should have to follow is the one on the floor... from jail "in processing" to their respective cells.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Do you believe you can talk to your children in that way?


I aways try to be sypathetic and use a concerned tone when and if my daughter comes to me with severe issues. Always try to look from the perspective of your child, while keeping the authority as a parent.

It's best to reason with children as much as possible before laying out advise, or in some cases a consequence. Give examples.

When my daughter Shelby was young, she scares the crap out of me several times when she went out into the street and cars were passing by. On one of these occasions, I was so scared I cracked her on the behind; the first time I had ever done so. It hurt me to the point I never did it again, and I tried as hard as I could to tell her why I smacked her. Its hard to reason adult concepts such as hitting (disapline) and the difference between life and death. This was a learning experience for me, but I'm not certain Shelby got the clue; until one day.

One night after dinner we were watching the television and a guy was run over by a car. It wasnt a grusome sceen; just a bit of blood near the guys head. Shelby asked "that guys getting up daddy?". I said no sweethart, thats one of the things that can happen when somebody gets hit by a car....they never get up again. Yhe kid never went out into the street without me or mom again.

Do you think you can handle any piece of news your child may have for you, and in doing so would you be able to control your emotions and keep from blowing up about something like this?


Most of us can anticipate the issues our children will undergo. I always try to run senarios in my head to prepare for the day when these issues do in fact surface. It's so very important that our kids trust us with as many of their issues that they put to us. The more they trust our reactions, the more of their critical issues will they put on our plates.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
My kids know (through some very tough lessons) that they are better off telling us things than covering them up (by lying or outright omission). The consequences of their actions are always worse if they're caught in a lie.

Some of the more serious items (the pregnancy issue, etc) aren't quite issues for us yet, due to the oldest only being 11. But we have had several issues where they came to us, and we dealt with it appropriately. Things like bullies on the school bus or some wacko trying to sell elementary school kids drugs.

The times that they SHOULD have told us something, and didn't and then lied about it - well, let's just say they didn't like the response. One of the kids (my 5 year old daughter) had tripped and started to fall down the stairs. She gets upset by this (she's fallen down a flight of stairs before as well as almost drowned), so she paniced and grabbed at the railing and yanked. While it did stop her, she pulled it out of the wall at the bottom of the stairs. Rather than tell us about it (so we could a - fix it and b - make sure she's okay), she pushed it back into the wall and left it. When I discovered it, no one wanted to admit to it. During a process of elimination, we figured out which one it was and ultimately got the story out of her. She helped me sand, patch and sand again the wall, and reattach the railing. That was the consequences for the pulling it out of the wall - and that's where it would've stopped if she'd told us this up front. She spent the next 15 minutes sitting in the time out chair. This chair is right next to the television, but in a position so that they cannot SEE the television, only hear it. Her brothers got to play the Xbox on the TV right there while she had to listen. As a burgeoning gamer chick, this was painful for her, because she wanted to play, or at least watch. This particular process varies from child to child, but it's effective in that a) my kids don't like to sit still for long periods of time (for the autistic son, it's especially hard on him) and b) they like to do the same things that their siblings are doing.

As for the dad in this case - I believe this should be a case for assault on his daughter and manslaughter on the child. Unless they can prove that the beating was given to induce the miscarriage, then it should be bumped to murder.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Having gone through those years, I know it is hard for children to talk to parents. But I will never fathom those parents. Yes, I would have been devastated. But beat my child? There is a disconnect there. Often children are afraid to tell parents for fear of risking disapproval, and I will say that could be the case of mine. And then there are the abusive parents. But I cannot see how a parent, who was not abusive, would suddenly turn that way with news like this. I am not saying it cannot happen, as clearly it has. I just cannot understand the mentality.

And I never want to understand it.