Is this consider unfaithful ?

No you are not sick.Inconciderate maybe,but not sick.

Kenny, I don't neccessarily think you are sick but I do have a question for you. Are you feeling desired and respected from your wife?

You should

1. Talk to your wife about this.

2. Get help if the both of you decide it what's needed.

Your kids are worth the effort, and so is ten years invested in a woman you obviously once loved.

Good luck.

I can understand you totally. I too have this problem, it's probably one of the reasons I have not married her yet. OK I think I will just write an article cause maybe I need to stop hiding it for fear of what others will say. I will post it hopefully tomorrow.

I was kind of heading in this direction when communication was at an all time low between me and my wife. I think for a while I was mad at her for certain things that made me pull away from her and block the feelings I once had.

We did manage to make it through this time. We reconnected and started practicing better communication which in turn made me feel closer which in turn made me physically more connected to her also.

It's funny, I pretty mush shut down my affection for her during this phase I was mad and did not communicate these feeling with her.

Hang in there Kenny

Hey Sushik,

I tend to agree with you. It definitely sounds like communication is low. I was going to get there but ya took faster root .

AD

Thanks to all who reply to this, and your advice.

I will not write / reply to individul, but will write another article. Thks again.

hi Adventure-Dude

Well, the answer is mix. She don't really (this is what I think)

My wife expressly and repeatedly ask many times : if she met or found someone she FELT his love or she believe can love her more, will I let her go ?

My answer is : YES. Because, as much as I not willing to, I think is no point keeping a person like that. The only problem is the kids. I do not want the kids to be seperated, so, either they follow her or me.

I have explained to her many times, I am not a romantic guy (like she always see in movie), I don't sweet talk (although I know woman likes this). To me, earning a living is priority , finding money is more critical because you can't live or eat or drink LOVE to survive. Ensure my business more stable and establish is because I want to give the family more security, since the kids are geting bigger and education fee is rising everyday.

hi Charles C.

Ya, same here. I am keeping lots of this thots to myself and never want to tell. Because our sitution is complex, and is accumulated over 8-9 years.

IF you, have to leave home at age 18, from a small town to big city, you have nothing but a pillow and blanket. You have to work in day and study part-time at night for higher education. You have to work all the way to the top, you learn to be a survival.

I am not a selfish person, but once hurt, I will close the door. I care no more but myself, why ? because why should I deserved to get hurt ?

Communications is some of my friend said is lacking bewteen us, but how to communicate is every time it ends up in fight or disagreement ?

My wife is a very inteligent woman, high education, running own business, extremely high EQ, and slim / sexy (for a mother of 3). But I told her, you may knows other man in business / work, but you failed to acknowledge me.

I thirst and hunger for a woman that willing to listen to me.

hi Sushik

Our marriage is kind of : love at first sight. Am also sick of big city life, so thot of change and come to this country, and try out this relationship for I not believe in long distance relationship.

But we both agreed, we rush into this marriage without totally understand each other. She is a very good mother and wife, no question at all. She took care the entire house and her own business.

Is just, we seems like stranger at home. There is no desire for me to talk to her much unless necessary. I prefer to masturbed than having sex with her.

2 years ago, we almost divorce for I met an old friend, whom I do have a crush for. She is a divorced and we enjoy each other companioship (but no sex). Then why we did not divorce ? for I can't bear the kids don't have father and I hate to start all over again with a new family.

sometime, I also don't understand myself. As an Asian, our culture is much difference from European, and in my case, most likely an European / Amerian would have divorce long a go (correct me if I am wrong).

Ask yourself what you felt before the kids.

Ask yourself what you felt afterward.

I don't mean right afterward, when you crowed over their slimy forms, I mean now.

You didn't know your wife well enough before you bred. Now you're breeders, how can you save this? Good question. Better if you had worked these problems out before bringing helpless kids into the matter, right?

You fell for the oldest trap. Get married; have babies. Well, that trap is bullshit. Oops. Now you've done it. Now get with your wife and find a way to connect beyond your kids. Read each other books, even kiddie books. Write dumb poems to one another.

Find a way to relate to your wife beyond your kids. that's your specter of hope, dear heart. Find things you love together that your kids don't know shit about. Life isn't Disney even when you have kids. So find A FUCKING WAY to express that without making the babies cry.

You can, of course you can. Your kids are important, but your MARRIAGE is more important.

Good luck.

Cheers.

Hi Kenny,

Sorry to hear that you're having such problems in your marriage and that you have no other outlet but this. There are many good people here. We will listen and try to help if we can.

First off, I want you to know that you are NOT Sick. Many many people have problems with personal relationships. And, I also don't think you are being unfaithful.

I don't know what is love and how to love.

Do you think that you don't know how to love your children? It seems to me that if you are willing to give up your own happiness for the sake of your children then you do know what love is.

What led you to marry your wife in the first place?

What are the things that you like(d) about her?

How envy of other happy married couple

Having a good relationship with a spouse is a lot of work and it takes two people to make it work. Do you think your wife is unhappy too? What makes you think this way?

What happens when you try to discuss your feelings/problems with her? What do you say?

For me, writing about the issues and my feelings helps me to sort things out. This is why I'm asking you questions.

Good Luck
QoD

Kenny, Just a few more comments and questions based you your responses to others:

I have explained to her many times, I am not a romantic guy (like she always see in movie), I don't sweet talk (although I know woman likes this). To me, earning a living is priority , finding money is more critical because you can't live or eat or drink LOVE to survive. Ensure my business more stable and establish is because I want to give the family more security, since the kids are geting bigger and education fee is rising everyday.

Would you be willing to try to be more of what your wife needs? I'm not saying to be some romantic sap or something that you're not, I'm just saying that giving her what she needs can be helpful. Do you know what she wants/needs with respect to this?
You're right that we can't survive off of love, but love/relationships are the most important part of life. I have a feeling that you say this because you have been so hurt. If you want to save your marriage you will need to make it a priority. Are you willing to do this?

I am not a selfish person, but once hurt, I will close the door. I care no more but myself, why ? because why should I deserved to get hurt ?

Kenny, is this why you don't have anyone else to confide in? Because you are affraid of being hurt? What happened that makes you feel this way? Does this mean that you have closed the door on your wife?

My experience has been that if we close ourselves off from hurt we also close ourselves off from any chance of happiness. Unfortunately being hurt is part of life.

She is a very good mother and wife, no question at all. She took care the entire house and her own business.

Whay make you say that she is a good wife?

Women often become resentful and shut themselves off from their partners when they feel unsupported. Is there a reason why you haven't helped out with the house or the business? Would you be willing to start helping?

2 years ago, we almost divorce for I met an old friend, whom I do have a crush for. She is a divorced and we enjoy each other companioship (but no sex). Then why we did not divorce ? for I can't bear the kids don't have father and I hate to start all over again with a new family.

Your primary intimate companionship should be with your spouse. Having this relationship with another woman is detrimantle to your marriage. Are you still seeing this old friend? I would suggest that if you want to save your marriage that you discontinue this relationship - at least until you've saved your marriage (that's if you really want to).

I'm asking these questions to give you some things to think about. I'd love for you to write about them.

QoD

I would suggest that if you want to save your marriage that you discontinue this relationship - at least until you've saved your marriage (that's if you really want to).

I agree with this statement. You need to put the same effort into your marriage that you put into this friendship. Does your wife know about this friendship? Is this why she asked you about what if SHE found someone who loved her better?

Also, the relationship you have with your wife teaches your children what marriage is about. Are you comfortable with what your relationship is teaching your childrem.

A gesture of friendship can be as important as a romantic gesture. Maybe that would be easier for you.

My sister just married. The priest at the wedding said some interesting things. Love is not just sex. It is not just that adrenaline rush of feeling. It is also frienship and showing care and support.

Myrr has hit this on the head.

Find a way to relate to your wife beyond your kids. that's your specter of hope, dear heart. Find things you love together that your kids don't know shit about.

I will add, that some things will never be "solved" and that you two will have to find some way to work around them or just leave it in the past and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Good luck

I agree that the best way in this case is to take a couple of steps back and just focus on being friends again. Atleast if you are friends, friends talk to each other and care about eachother.

It kind of sounds like each of you in their mind has thought about separating. If you can't atleast be friends with one and other then the relationship has no legs to stand on.

I am no Dr Phil but maybe you could send her an invitation via mail to have diner out with no kids. At diner say that you want to work on your friendship, and take it from their.

The reason I say work on the friendship is it would help you, your wife and the kids live better together and maybe perhaps even apart should it come to that.

Kenny,

It sounds to me that she isn't 'feeling loved' and you are not 'feeling desired'. A book I strongly suggest would be 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. It's not that you don't love her it's just the way that you say it isn't the way she receives it. Think back to what you were doing when you were 'in love.' I suspect that you were 'dating.' Obviouvsly you did some kind of romance or else she wouldn't have married you. The other problem that we guess tend to do is 'stop dating' after we marry. This is what they call the prize complex. We won her heart and therefore don't have to do anything else out of our character. Many guys have done and do that. She needs to be sought after continous even throughout marriage. As I stated in another post what goes through a woman's mind constantly is "Does he love me?" just like we have the broken record of things we need 'to do' in order to provide.

I am not asking you to be the fictional movie style romanticist but I suggest you at least try. Make a lil effort here. Buy her flowers for no reason. Take her out on a date. Call her out of the blue just to say you are thinking of her and love her. Persue her like you did before you married. Do it for the sake of the marriage. I suspect that because you mentioned it here on JU you are kind of wanting to steer the marriage back together. There is only two directions your relationship grows. Together or apart.

Kenny, I recognize that being romantic isn't easy and in many cases we feel like whatever we do is a failure in this area. I would love to say that here is the solution but in reality it takes two to make a marriage work. Again I strongly suggest the book I mentioned above (NOTE: I have NO ties with the author). I just really value what he says and put it into action in my life and my relationship with my fiance. I personally know a few married couples in a similar situation as yours and most cases it turned their marriage around. But it takes action from both sides for it to turn completely around. Also keep in mind that it only takes one to become the catalyst.

Lastly, if you are still seeing your 'old friend' stop and refocus on your marriage in bringing it back together. Try for two weeks and see how your wife responds. If you would like to talk offline. Send an email to [email protected] and I would be happy to discuss a bit more in depth. Again this is up to you. I just ask that you honor the commitment you made to your wife on your wedding day.

AD

for me life is very simple u just have to accept whatever it comes to your life because sometimes were choosing our own path and making our own decision....on your case 10 yrs is not an easy job to decide because u got kids...just find a way how to make ur relationships work....just for the kids she luvs u anyway and thats what impt gudluck!!!!

hi QoD and ALL

Do you think that you don't know how to love your children? It seems to me that if you are willing to give up your own happiness for the sake of your children then you do know what love is.

What led you to marry your wife in the first place?

What are the things that you like(d) about her?


After few days of thot, thinking about the qns raised by you guys, may be I can try to answer some qns and hope this can lead to futher breakthrough.

My marriage is more of like, an answer to her challenge. For she continuosly asked : do you love me ? I know you don't love me............. bla-bla-bla.............

One night, I just get so tired of this repeated qns (I think), and said : YES, I do and I will married you, to prove to you I do love you.

and, like they said, the rest is history.

the best part I like about her is : We always discuss about my business venture or daily business issues, or her business related matter, our opinion most of time, complement each others short fall. I also bring her to mix with potential or existing business associate, she got very good sense about people, man or woman. most of time, her judgetment is 90% accurate. She is not that type of timid, soft little girl. NAH !!

You see, thats why she said : kenny, when I talk to you about us, you always fall asleep, or tired, or whatever, but when talk about business, about money, you are so awake !!

Is true. I don't know why. I just geting so damn tired of her repeating the same old story about us, and yet no solution. and we always end up : fight, argue, and shit, I would have lost sleep.

I do admit, I am a pretty dominant male, I like and want to in control. If I told her (wife) repeatedly not to do certain thing (of course she may have her reason and rights to do so), she may insist, then, I would say : be it, you ask for it. Its your call.

Am I being selfish ? yes to a certain extend, but I just hate the answer from her : you don't love me, you don't care for me.

Then ? if I don;t, why should I bother to ask you : don't get bullied by your sister, don;t let your sister make used of you, why I bother to buy you vitamins (she would say : you worry I got sick so no body take care your kids........... shit, what a negative thinking ?!)............ am I nuts ?

QoD, your qns has really pin direct deep into me, are you a doctor ?

I have stop seeing or communicating with this old friend, for my wife found out and she confronted her directly. Shit, really get me into deep deep shit. Almost divorce till our parent interfer. And during that time, 2 years ago, both of us also think about the kids.

we both ask this qns : will you marry me if were to repeat ? Her anser is No, my answer is maybe. (I can't decide, there are good and bad about her).

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I think my case is really hopeless. I don't see much chance in there. The only tread that hang on is : the kids. I don;t know 5 years later what will happen ?

I shut myself from her for almost 6/7 years [becoz we always fight and quarrel, even over small matter, so I keep my mouth shut]. But now, I don't really care more, just tell her directly how I felt, she like it or not. Ya, why should I keep hiding my feeling ? so tired of this shit.

Kenny,

If you take the kids out of the question completely, do you want to be married to this woman?

I'm getting the sense that you don't. In which case I'm not going to keep asking questions about the relationship and giving suggestions on how to make it work.

If the answer to the question is 'no' then it's time to move on.

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I don't think that is mental. It is a lot harder for a woman to remarry than it is for a man. I know of a LOT of men who stay married until they have enough money to attract a younger woman and then the man dumps the wife. Usually, he leaves her with little money and a lot of shit to deal with.

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I don't think that is mental. It is a lot harder for a woman to remarry than it is for a man. I know of a LOT of men who stay married until they have enough money to attract a younger woman and then the man dumps the wife. Usually, he leaves her with little money and a lot of shit to deal with.

dear ALL

thanks for the advice and guide. Let me think, I have to think. Is very confusing now........

but I have tried 1 thing : that is speak to her (just normal thing, usual stuff), and listen to her (for what she want to say). I hope this is the right action.

but I have to think and obviously, I do not want to break up the family, be it for the kids or for both of us. Just got to find the feeling for her.

hope I am doing the right thing...............

Kenny,

Would like you to remember one thing. Relationships are like two rocket ships (you and her). When you marry they are next to each other. But if you or her move away from each other 1 degree then over time you separate a lil at a time before you realize that you are SO VERY FAR AWAY. This to me seems still quite the possiblity. As you are thinking about the relationship you should have the realization that if you do one thing that it will bring you back together in a short period of time. You need to get your ship and her ship pointing back towards each other. I suggest you try 'dating' her again. Women often don't feel loved because they aren't being pursued. Just something to think about.

AD