Husband, Religion, Struggling, Keeping it All Together
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JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Outwardly one would see no reason for me to be disenchanted with my husband. He provides for our son & me, he loves us like crazy and he loves no one else.
So what gives...? I'll tell you a quick thing that happened today to illustrate.
We listened as our Sunday School class discussed something from second Chronicles chapter 30 verse 10. Something about a decree being sent throughout the land that the people need to be righteous in order for the Lord to be merciful to them. But when the people heard this decree, "they laughed them to scorn and mocked them."
In discussing this, the general agreement among the classmembers & the teacher was something along the line of, "Isn't it a shame that so many people are slow to listen to the Lord and ignore, even mock those who speak on his behalf?" And they cited examples of people outside our church.
Then one lady, an extremely hard-working, service-oriented, faithful gal, raised her hand and offered her thought. "But how many people are there even in our own church who say they follow the Lord, but really don't? I've known a lot of people in our church who claim to be 'active members' when really they don't do much to serve. Even in my own life I see many things I'm doing right, but just today my conscience was pricked by something that was said in Sacrament meeting...and it showed me that I need to be more involved in my childrens' progress in their Faith in God programs."
Well as I listened to her candid (albeit judgmental) comment, I just know she was describing such people like myself. Even recently on a form I had to fill out, I was asked if I'm "active" in my church. I said "yes" even though I'd guess I'm something like 10% active. I said "yes" only because I WANT to be active. I REALLY REALLY want it. But I just haven't adjusted to moving around every couple years...and there are other reasons I think I'll go into later here.
She continued, "How many people in our own church, by falling short in their commitment to the Lord, are in a way mocking him?"
Now let me tell you that I really adore this woman. She is everything I want to be. She is strong and I dare say there are only a handful of families in every ward I've attended who are as worthy of emulation as she & her family are.
But feeling struck and "guilty as charged" by her comment, I leaned over and whispered sarcastically to my husband, "Yeah, I mock Candice. She really needs to relax and stop working so hard."
OK, now here's what bugged me about my husband. HE LIKED MY SARCASTIC COMMENT. HE SMILED. HE TRIED TO GET ALL CUDDLY WITH ME AFTER I SAID THAT.
What bugs me is that he feels closest to me when I'm sarcastic and bitter. But on the rare occasions when I'm trying really hard to be a good person he just sits there quiet and distant and ignores me. He moans and groans when I play hymns. He bugs me when I'm trying to read the scriptures. He brings rated R movies into the house. He comes home telling me off-color jokes that made him laugh that day. He loves pornography and there is no end in sight. I hate it all. I cannot thrive amid this filth. It brings me down. Waaaaaaay down. Day after day, year after year.
Although I'm FAR from being clean and pure myself, I long to be clean. I long for a clean husband too. And I want to live in a morally clean house. I can't control the world, but I at least want a morally clean heart and house.
So I sat there fuming at him in my mind, contriving a way to establish an adoptive home for our upcoming newborn, for the child's sake. I sat there and my eyes started to well up with tears about how unfair it is that a person with such high spiritual aspirations as myself could have chosen this self-described "sewer rat" to live out my days with. (Yes, early in our dating he chose "sewer rat" as a screen name.)
Then a hard, but gentle truth washed over me: I am not unhappy because of the man I married. Any unhappiness I feel can only be directed at my own self. I've heard many accounts of women in my very situation (or worse) who have worked extra hard to live lives of service and love, scripture study and praise, and have done all right. And by so doing, their families were blessed. That's the path I need to be on.
I picked him for my husband during a stormy time in my life, and I am accepting it's one of those trials in life that I brought upon myself and am destined to learn from.
So my resolve is to capture any spare moment to study the scriptures, and the light that brings to me I will share with my family. I really love the feeling of light pouring into my soul when I'm reading the scriptures. Sometimes I'm in such darkness though, that the light of the scriptures is to bright for me to bear. I need to plow through the darkness because I just don't like wallowing there. I want light.
I won't force the scriptures on my family, because frankly the scriptures need to be cherished in a personal manner. They'll come around someday, if they want to. I hope they'll want to. The light is so beautiful.
Given the places I was searching for a mate when I met this man, Heavenly Father surely must have given me the best of the bunch. Unlike the people in the huge cross-section of society I scoured for a mate, he enjoys church, the warm feeling we get when we pray together and read the scriptures, he feels the warmth & genuine personalities of the people in our church in all the five states and two countries we've explored. The love of Christ is in all these people, and he feels it. I've known plenty of people who simply aren't receptive to such warm feelings. My husband is receptive and truly humble.
It will take some time to weed out the filth in our lives, but my goal is whiteness, cleanliness, purity and happiness. My husband & family are going along for the ride, and the destination will be beautiful.
So what gives...? I'll tell you a quick thing that happened today to illustrate.
We listened as our Sunday School class discussed something from second Chronicles chapter 30 verse 10. Something about a decree being sent throughout the land that the people need to be righteous in order for the Lord to be merciful to them. But when the people heard this decree, "they laughed them to scorn and mocked them."
In discussing this, the general agreement among the classmembers & the teacher was something along the line of, "Isn't it a shame that so many people are slow to listen to the Lord and ignore, even mock those who speak on his behalf?" And they cited examples of people outside our church.
Then one lady, an extremely hard-working, service-oriented, faithful gal, raised her hand and offered her thought. "But how many people are there even in our own church who say they follow the Lord, but really don't? I've known a lot of people in our church who claim to be 'active members' when really they don't do much to serve. Even in my own life I see many things I'm doing right, but just today my conscience was pricked by something that was said in Sacrament meeting...and it showed me that I need to be more involved in my childrens' progress in their Faith in God programs."
Well as I listened to her candid (albeit judgmental) comment, I just know she was describing such people like myself. Even recently on a form I had to fill out, I was asked if I'm "active" in my church. I said "yes" even though I'd guess I'm something like 10% active. I said "yes" only because I WANT to be active. I REALLY REALLY want it. But I just haven't adjusted to moving around every couple years...and there are other reasons I think I'll go into later here.
She continued, "How many people in our own church, by falling short in their commitment to the Lord, are in a way mocking him?"
Now let me tell you that I really adore this woman. She is everything I want to be. She is strong and I dare say there are only a handful of families in every ward I've attended who are as worthy of emulation as she & her family are.
But feeling struck and "guilty as charged" by her comment, I leaned over and whispered sarcastically to my husband, "Yeah, I mock Candice. She really needs to relax and stop working so hard."
OK, now here's what bugged me about my husband. HE LIKED MY SARCASTIC COMMENT. HE SMILED. HE TRIED TO GET ALL CUDDLY WITH ME AFTER I SAID THAT.
What bugs me is that he feels closest to me when I'm sarcastic and bitter. But on the rare occasions when I'm trying really hard to be a good person he just sits there quiet and distant and ignores me. He moans and groans when I play hymns. He bugs me when I'm trying to read the scriptures. He brings rated R movies into the house. He comes home telling me off-color jokes that made him laugh that day. He loves pornography and there is no end in sight. I hate it all. I cannot thrive amid this filth. It brings me down. Waaaaaaay down. Day after day, year after year.
Although I'm FAR from being clean and pure myself, I long to be clean. I long for a clean husband too. And I want to live in a morally clean house. I can't control the world, but I at least want a morally clean heart and house.
So I sat there fuming at him in my mind, contriving a way to establish an adoptive home for our upcoming newborn, for the child's sake. I sat there and my eyes started to well up with tears about how unfair it is that a person with such high spiritual aspirations as myself could have chosen this self-described "sewer rat" to live out my days with. (Yes, early in our dating he chose "sewer rat" as a screen name.)
Then a hard, but gentle truth washed over me: I am not unhappy because of the man I married. Any unhappiness I feel can only be directed at my own self. I've heard many accounts of women in my very situation (or worse) who have worked extra hard to live lives of service and love, scripture study and praise, and have done all right. And by so doing, their families were blessed. That's the path I need to be on.
I picked him for my husband during a stormy time in my life, and I am accepting it's one of those trials in life that I brought upon myself and am destined to learn from.
So my resolve is to capture any spare moment to study the scriptures, and the light that brings to me I will share with my family. I really love the feeling of light pouring into my soul when I'm reading the scriptures. Sometimes I'm in such darkness though, that the light of the scriptures is to bright for me to bear. I need to plow through the darkness because I just don't like wallowing there. I want light.
I won't force the scriptures on my family, because frankly the scriptures need to be cherished in a personal manner. They'll come around someday, if they want to. I hope they'll want to. The light is so beautiful.
Given the places I was searching for a mate when I met this man, Heavenly Father surely must have given me the best of the bunch. Unlike the people in the huge cross-section of society I scoured for a mate, he enjoys church, the warm feeling we get when we pray together and read the scriptures, he feels the warmth & genuine personalities of the people in our church in all the five states and two countries we've explored. The love of Christ is in all these people, and he feels it. I've known plenty of people who simply aren't receptive to such warm feelings. My husband is receptive and truly humble.
It will take some time to weed out the filth in our lives, but my goal is whiteness, cleanliness, purity and happiness. My husband & family are going along for the ride, and the destination will be beautiful.
