Meeting My XGF After 15 Years

Dont.  Having been there and done that, it will not be as you expect, and there is the Wife issue.

I think you should. You must of got along at some point, and I'm sure it would be nice to see each other again. Times past, you both have your own lives, so why not?

If you can't come up with a compelling reason, I'd say don't. You've survived just fine all these years not being in touch with her, and if your wife is just "OK" with it, I'd say it'd be a bad idea to reconnect. Your wife probably knows you came close to marrying this other lady, and despite any rational knowledge she has that you're happy in your marraige and life and the XGF is happy in hers, there will be that irrational fear and jealousy beneath the surface... especially if you end up getting along with the ex.

My opinion is it's not worth it. If the XGF for some reason wants to reach out to you, maybe that'll be OK, but don't go out of your way or put forth any effort on your own.

If you MUST meet her, introduce her family to your family. Don't exclude your wife.

Then again, is it really necessary? What would you like to come from this? Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill (and if you do, perhaps some couples counseling is in order)?

I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill

No, no holes. I'm not looking for closure, if that's what you mean. Or an affair. Just a "wow, nice to see you -- how've you been" kind of meeting.

You've survived just fine all these years not being in touch with her, and if your wife is just "OK" with it, I'd say it'd be a bad idea to reconnect. Your wife probably knows you came close to marrying this other lady, and despite any rational knowledge she has that you're happy in your marraige and life and the XGF is happy in hers, there will be that irrational fear and jealousy beneath the surface... especially if you end up getting along with the ex.

You guys are probably right, it would definitely be awkward. If we did meet up, it would be as families, en masse (she has at least three last time I heard, and I have four myself) and that could defuse any kind of weird vibe that might be going out.

I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

Better safe than sorry. But come the weekend, she'll have my number and I'll just let her make the next move.

But come the weekend, she'll have my number and I'll just let her make the next move.

Good move!  I suspect a phone call to catch up is fine. But in the presence of your wife.

UPDATE: My friend from work says that he delivered my contact information to the husband last night. Husband had slight glimmer of recognition with mention of my name. Sure an interesting conversation ensued with his wife, my XGF.

Ball's in their court now.

From a man with a wife who is"okay" with a lot. STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances. Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

From a man with a wife who is"okay" with a lot. STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances. Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

lemmee see wife in one hand, ex ol lady in other. nope no contest, keep wife, let ex go on her way.

Get together, the four of you, for dinner some time. If your wife gets along with her husband, encourage the two of them (your wife, her husband), to hang out alone together some time--maybe go shopping together, or take a walk in the park, or catch up over coffee, or...--you get the idea.

If nothing bad comes from two or three such meetings between your wife and her husband, and neither you nor your XGF finds yourself feeling uncomfortable about your spouses' association with each other, then by all means go ahead and catch up with your XGF.

But if anything starts feeling at least a little bit wrong, then you should probably put a stop to the relationship between your two households immediately.

Don't do it.....

Don't do it.....

I agree with Dyno and the others who have basically said "why?". You're more likely to stir up old crap or create new crap with uneasy feelings from your wife even though she is "okay" with it. I have been "okay" with my husband getting emails from an exgirlfriend but I have no intention of ever meeting her. I'm not the jealous type but there are basic instinctive feelings you get. I have no place in my life or need to deal with his past relationships.

Plus, after 15yrs, you're strangers now. Why bother? You have plenty to lose and nothing to gain IMO.

Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill (and if you do, perhaps some couples counseling is in order)? I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances. Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

keep wife, let ex go on her way

You're more likely to stir up old crap or create new crap with uneasy feelings from your wife

Wow, pretty opinionated. Seriously, thank you for the very good, very cautious advice. It is taken to heart, honestly it is.

I am not having them over to dinner, not planning to get together, and have only given them my phone number. If they decide to make the next move, so be it. But we won't get together, period.

I am not having them over to dinner, not planning to get together, and have only given them my phone number. If they decide to make the next move, so be it. But we won't get together, period.

I broke up with my XGF, yet my XW was always jealous of her. Why I will never know. Let sleeping dogs lie.

As usual, taking my life advice directly from monty python, "Run away!!!! Run away!!!!!"

Well, it's Sunday now and no response. They've had my phone number since Wednesday night, and no response. To be honest, I am kinda relieved.

...but it's still hanging out there. Oh, it's out there.

Friday next... and no phone call. I wonder if Mr. even gave my contact information to Mrs...?

Hmmm... well, no great loss. Just a nagging question. BTW, it's still out there.

I would stay clear. It's a small town ,the chances that you'll eventually bump into each other are greater. So, just wait, who knows, your kids will probably end up in school together so just wait for those functions for the if nessecary "wow long time no see."
Charissa

I would stay clear. It's a small town ,the chances that you'll eventually bump into each other are greater. So, just wait, who knows, your kids will probably end up in school together so just wait for those functions for the if nessecary "wow long time no see."

Which is exactly what I am doing. I'm not even going over to Mr.'s desk and inviting him to lunch. Since I can't even assume he gave the contact info to his wife, HE knows I'm here somewhere, and that's the way it'll stay until they decide to make the next move.

I'm not looking for closure... it was just out of curiosity.

Okay, I had taken JU advice: I had put this away and almost totally forgotten about it.

Then the XGF called the house last night. After what? Three weeks? Apparently she'd been mulling it over too.

I was out, and my wife answered the phone. I have a return phone number... but do I want to reopen that casket and examine the corpse?

I say again,

I'm not looking for closure... it was just out of curiosity.

DO I CALL HER?! AAGH!

DO I CALL HER?! AAGH!

Out of courtesy, you need to now.  Just make sure your wife is with you when you do.

Out of courtesy, you need to now.

Okay, the deed is done. I was running an errand (picking up my Guster tickets) from Mix 106.5 in Towson and used the traffic time to reconnect with my XGF. Thirty minute call, no less!

PERSONAL LIVES:
Good talk. She was sincerely happy to hear from me. She has six kids and been married fourteen years now. This isn't the guy she dumped me for, but just a guy she met at a church singles dance a while afterwards. They've been living here in Maryland for eight years now, just after he finished up grad school and they're very happy. I told her how I am: married 12+ years myself, four kids, been in Maryland nine months now and loving it. Grad school myself, after six fun-filled years in the Army. Coincidence: her husband was a Naval intelligence guy too. Go figure.

POSSIBILITY FOR FOLLOW-UP:
Well, she actually was very glad to hear from me, in a very genuine way. We exchanged email addresses and I invited her to a concert that my choir will perform next Saturday. Maybe she will show, but who knows. But as of now, I just got an email from her with a family picture. Cute kids, all six of them.

HOW I FEEL:
I feel good, okay, not bad. I don't feel like we had any great revelations about our relationship or any corpses exhumed. I did get some satisfaction to find out that she didn't up and marry the guy she dumped me for... he was too busy spending time in jail! (yeah, shocker!)

But honestly, the conversation was fine. I could actually tell that we'd both grown up a lot since we last saw each other (that's a good good thing, since we were 19 when we broke up!)

We are friends and I'm not expecting any great lasting camaraderie to come from all of this. We'll stay in touch, and write an email occasionally to one another. She will just become one of my old friends who I don't have a whole bunch in common with...

And maybe the XGF'll bring the hub and kids down to the concert next Saturday. Then I'll get to see the 'what might have been' girl... and her many many children.

UPDATE:

Well, she didn't show at last night's concert. Not a bad deal after all is said and done, but we'll just see if we actually meet up again, in person.